What do you think of this?

I honestly would give it a 10. I'm impressed :) You're very discriptive, and use good detail. Makes me wonder where you're going with it... starts off like a fantasy with the mention of her "delicate ivory skin", but then once u know she's dead .. it almost goes into a twisted love story gone wrong... Post again if you finish it :) I would enjoy reading the rest, Good luck hun! :D