Is There Any Good Way to Do This?

I think the only appropriate costume, under the cirstances, would be for you to go as a cheerleader. That means pom-poms, and hair in pony tails, or a wig if you don't have one. Definitely shaved legs (you poor man.) A stuffed push up bra and extremely heavy makeup. You should also have to do a cheer for each trick or treat with at least one leg kick and ruffle of pom poms. The skirt needs to be short, and I'll let Mindy decide what underwear to put you in. My ideas might frighten all the little children.